Mother’s day is coming…and with that, the guilt of how to properly thank the woman who brought you into this world and could quite possibly take you out of it.
How to Disappoint a Mother

1. Move Out The number one thing I have ever done to make my mother sad was leave home. They count the days until you walk out the door, but they never seem to realize that it actually means that you leave.
2. Live in another state/country To add insult to injury, if you’ve decided to be a functioning member of society by not living at home and setting up your own household - choose another state to do it in. It means that both parties will end up “wasting” vacation time visiting family…but it also saves you from the last minute drop-ins
3. Don’t have children* Not a guaranteed way to totally destroy your mother, but many seem to believe that the best way to get even with you for the hell you put them through as a child is to have one of your own. If you decide against that, then they automatically lose the right to laugh at you when your children pull a trick you did so many times.
4. “Waste” your education Often nowadays, parents help their darling offspring get a further education. Be it becoming a doctor or getting your contractors license, if you decide after a year or a day that this is no longer the career for you, it is a guaranteed arrow in to their heart.
5. Be employed in a shaky profession My parents are rational adults. My mother was so happy when I looked at a career in chemical engineering. Then, I switched to drama the same year my brother started performance jazz. Neither screams stability.
6. Be unemployed Even if no fault of your own, one of the fastest ways to disappoint is to not be gainfully employed. As I’ve been told, it is very scary to have one of your children (or their spouses) unemployed. It’s almst worse than #5.
7. Have debt Especially now, the idea that you owe money or don’t pay off your credit cards every month is a cringe worthy offense. How do you know something catastrophic isn’t going to happen and you will need your reserve?
8. Don’t Call Please.
9. Don’t Write The art of letter writing is gone, but you still need to send cards for the major holidays. If you don’t, that’s horrible.
10. Don’t listen to their advice They’ve got years of life experience and don’t want you to make the same mistakes. So by not listening you’re rejecting them completely! Evil child.
11. Buy her the wrong thing If you don’t know her size, go with jewelry. Or flowers.
12. give gift cards This just means that you have no imagination
13. forget Don’t forget your mother.

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