We’re a few months away at this point, but Eno is already flitting into my brain. This time it was combined with a strange dream essentially reminding me how dissatisfied I am with the current state of finances vs. working doing what I want to be doing.
I’m not really sure how it got started, but I was at Eno, but it was unusually open. I remember sitting on the steps of the hospitality station, but it felt more like Squire’s Castle in Cleveland. I was sitting there, looking out at the side of the Meadow Stage and all I could think about was how I’d so much rather be doing this full time than go back to doing my normal job with the agro-chemical folks.
I don’t even know who I was talking to at the time, but I remember talking about the moves we’re working on with my job, making it more of a project coordinator position than a true administrative position and how I was looking forward to that. Then, the music coordinator for the Eno looks at me and says “but that’s not what you really want.”
I remember looking at him in shock. And suddenly there’s all the people I’m used to seeing at Eno - the green-nature lovers in their comfiest, lightest weight clothing, the tie-dyed hipsters and the teenagers in bikinis and shorts. I look back at my stage and there’s a great band on with all kinds of complicated pieces on stage and I helped get them there and started and they’re looking to me to get them off on time so the next group can start. And I have a standing position here where people like me and look forward to seeing me and I them.
My mind starts flashing through to my current cast and how much I’ve enjoyed working with them and how vocal one has been about how impressed she is with me. And then I think of the company that calls me back year after year for tour and has asked me to work on their next project. Or the director who has been trying to get me to work with him for two years now. The director who has emailed me asking me if I’m available for either of his shows in the next season and tells me I’ve spoiled him for working with his students.
I had a discussion last night with one of my actresses and she asked why I wasn’t working with the local Equity house. I explained part of it was stability, part of it was not wanting to get an Equity card and then NOT be able to work anywhere else and part of it was out and out fear. What if I’m not good enough for professionals? What if I’m terrible and can’t do this full time? Will my life really have been a game of me just doing what I can because I like it and I’ve made it a priority like some aging musician and his garage band that plays an occasional gig at the bar? I love doing this and I’m good at it…is that enough?
I remember seeing this flash in my dream as well, through my mind in seconds and then feel the breeze and the trees as I ran. And the buzzing of my alarm waking me up. Waking me to another day of doing something I’m good at to pay the bills and getting to do what I really love for pennies at night, keeping me away from family and friends and hopefully making a different family over an art.
